Differences

It's weird. 

Today, I looked back at my favorite times in my life when I was 24. And I cry a bit. Not because of anything traumatic, but because no one talks about the differences 2 years can do to you. 

When grief hits, and you're left to fully pick up the pieces of said grief alone... (with the proper tools) It's just... unexplainable, but imma try!

When I was 24, I felt freer than before. Getting out of situations I never thought I had to leave back then, being emotionally expressive again after a while, and being open is not easy. Speaking truths while simulaneously, also not holding back on thee language USED to communicate. (I was cussing people out LMFAOAOKSOSAKASDOKAS) 

It was a different time emotionally in my life. And my emotions during that time were like... footsteps... I knew I had been there before.... but it was different... 

So, knowing this and looking back, especially after this weekend of mess is what we'll call it for now... 

I noticed the contrast between who I used to be and who I am now. 

I am a lot sharper than I was before. 

And I don't mean I'm closed off, no. 

I'm saying I just understand more now! 

The older I get, the more I don't let my emotions consume my actions. I've had to learn ways to express them outside of "typing them out on the internet <3" 

I think it's good that I did that at the time; it allowed me to emotionally mature after basically time-traveling from being 16 to 18 to 20 to 23 all in a YEAR!!!!!!!!

Now I feel as tho my mental age n even emotional age need to catch up to my soul.... she like 60. 

But to put it into perspective, within the differences I feel, and I truly hope this makes sense to someone.... because I just be typing.... 

I want to add two songs.... Ariana Grande's song because I love Miss Ponytail, and truly, her songs resonate with me. And Mac Miller's song. 

"My favorite part." by Mac Miller (ft. Ariana Grande) and "Eternal Sunshine". And you know, I may be overanalyzing these two songs. But I'm telling you, the laugh she had in "My favorite part" is almost the same as the one in "Eternal Sunshine," but just slightly older, wiser... That Saturn Return bookie....

In "My favorite part," she seemed almost naive in a way, and they were singing about that in the song, "You walk around so clueless to it all, like nobody's gonna break your heart.... Don't let them hurt you ever. I know you're far too smart. Before things come together, they have to fall apart." 

I know it was Mac Miller that said that, but really... in a way, that's just how it felt to be myself at 24. I thought I knew everything. But I knew nothing at all. 

I thought my big-girl job was gonna be enough for me; I thought I was grown and stable. 

But my, how it can all be taken away in a second. 

And yet, in "Eternal Sunshine," she sings like this: "We both know I couldn't change you, I guess you could say the same. Can't rearrange truth. I've never seen someone lie like you do..... Get me out of this loop." 

And that's what 26 felt like, the naivety had been worn off, the guard was slightly up, but not up high like a wall, but rather like the blinds on your window. 

The big girl job (depending on where you work fr), can be taken away, and your mental health CAN be messed up... just not in your face when you compartmentalize your feelings. 

When you feel like you have to keep working even though you know you need to grieve, 

that's when we all lose. Ourselves first, then reality, or what we think is our reality. Reality will humble you at times if you're not careful. I would know. I went from a gov't job (which lol, bc come on now... we all know my feelings towards the gov't) to a LIQUOR store CLERK!!!! (cool ass job fr, the customers were interesting) 

You get older, and you wonder what you were doing beforehand, and you wonder why everyone was so "hard on you." When no one knows what they were doing or even are doing now, and that's just it. They were hard on you bc they were hard on themselves, and you learned and internalized that, so now you're hard on yourself. Which is an awful mentality to have, like being hard on yourself is just asking for trouble, especially when there's shame attached to it. 

I grieve the version of me who could find the beauty in just about everything. I'm not saying I cannot find it now, but it takes just a little bit more work to create those moments. But when I do put in that work, I can find happiness on the other side. 

It used to come naturally to me is all I'm saying, but the work doesn't scare me either. It's actually the beauty in the details that leads to the bigger picture. 

I used to tell ppl something, and I think people would mince my own words when I would say it, but I said "Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should," and LMFAOOOAOO bc that rule applies to me only fr. Just because I CAN apply to medical school does not MEAN I SHOULD do that. Do what you WANT to do, not what others THINK you should do. 

But also, just because you can draw a sexy Krabby Patty bussin it open for all the internet to see, does not mean you should post that for all of us to see... god have mercy. 

24 was the planning phase, 25 was the way KC handles construction in general (letting it SIT THERE FOR MONTHS UNTIL THEY'RE READY TO GO AND HANDLE IT BC PPL ARE COMPLAINING), and 26 is the final construction, about to be ready, finally. I feel like a little kid and an old person at the same time. Because they both are so full of wisdom, but one gets taught to suppress, and the other cannot suppress anymore. 

Because less than 2 years of healing is truly not enough when it comes to me and my relationships. I enjoy being close to people, I really do. But being alone has always been me, ever since I was a kid, it's like sooo natural, but also... hi people! Hi world! 

I looked at some pictures of myself at a bible school, my brother and I went to. We even talked about it, and I remember sitting so far away from the other weird kids, and get this... I was SITTING ON MY KNEES on the bench making weird faces at the camera.... LMFAOOo. This is my existence for all time... my emotions will show on this face. It was my birthday, and my parents brought cake for everyone. My fit was fire asf, I had on an all pink Dora shirt and pant set with black Mary Janes on 😭😭😭😭😭

See... My issue that I had here was that I wanted to lead in relationships and often seek "harmony," but sometimes that harmony can lead to a series of misunderstandings and walking on eggshells, while completely ignoring the fact that I wanted to speak up. And when you hadn't been alone for several years before then, you just needed to come back to yourself, and that's exactly what I did. I already knew I was grown, it was just a bit misguided back then in 2024 LMFAOOO. 

It's just best to be brutally honest. In all endeavors. And after being thru the ringer, lying WILL NOT EVER BE fun lmfao. Or even withholding your feelings, or anything along those lines, to keep the peace. That was a pattern I kept repeating in my friendships, romantic connections, and even familial relationships: withholding my feelings or what I wanted to say to keep the peace. The best thing you can do is express yourself and be honest. You cannot change what someone does with that. 

You gotta let it out. Which is why I feel more stable than I have since 2024 and 2025. 

26 is the age when you just choose your own adventures, be sexy asf, and meet cool people on those journeys. AND BOY! have these people been cool asf omgggg. I love meeting new people. It makes my soul smile. 

You have to learn who you are so deeply, so well, and dedicate yourself to it, so you can figure out how to regulate yourself in real time (this is for all thee girlies, the dolls, the gays, the theys, and whoever else suffers from any developmental disorders or mental health issues). Take a break! Stop rushing; rushing will do nothing for you. Go at your own pace, and stop shaming yourself into progress. That doesn't work. Be kind to YOURSELF first, and let it spill over. Much like a rock when it hits the surface of the water, let your kindness ripple out to others.  

:)