dear bloggerton

Dear Bloggerton, 

I am having trouble. I am scattered slightly. One week, I do okay on my LSAT prep, the next week, I feel like a failure among everyone and want to give up what I'm doing, and then blow up my spot... while somehow quitting everything I ever loved because I feel anxious?! 

I'm having a really difficult time trying to stay with this. 

I know I'm not perfect, but it's killing me when I don't get it right all the time. 

I cannot beat the perfectionism out of myself, but my god it's been hard studying. I'm nervous for the actual LSAT. 

Y'all don't understand... I've almost abandoned this ship about 80 times LMFAOAOAOOAAOAOAOAOAO

This has been my thought process throughout my studies: 

Me: I just cannot get the logical reasoning portion... I'm so bad at it... Omg... well... gotta keep trying right? 

My brain: Actually ur bad at everything u do, and u should go lie down and become a salesperson instead... go back to Popeyes, HOE! You ain't never finna be a lawyer, go do something easier that requires less work... LOLLLL, you look dumb!

Me: okay... wtf.... let's calm down a minute, actually, like.... we did bad in this one section... this doesn't mean we shouldn't even attempt test at all?! HELLO?! I'm actually very capable... And Popeyes? Girl... you hate me... we are not 19 years OLD anymore! Stop being so mean!!!!!! You got this! We just have to put in a bit more effort into this part! 

My brain and nervous system teaming up: WHAT'S THAT UR SAYING?! HAVE ANXIETY?! BETTTTT *heart rate increases* *background music intensifies* 

Me: wait a damn minute... Because it aint even supposed to be like this fr.... like can we just LAY DOWN REAL QUICK AND RECALIBRATE?! HELLO NERVOUS SYSTEM?! I'M SAFE! YOU CAN STOP NOW! 

This is a real thing that deadass happens LMFAOOOOO like why are you currently trying to attack me because I didn't do well in one section?! 

Can you calm your ass DOWN?! This isn't every day... but it damn near is almost a biweekly thing... I feel like I'm back in my Political Inquiry Class smh. I ain't know what the fuck was going on during that LMFAOOOOO. I was sleeping thru every zoom meeting LMFOAOAOAOA 

And the state of the world isn't helping right now either. The ole black and white screen had to be switched back on...

Lowkey, I feel like a lot of standardized tests like the LSAT are lowkey racist… but this is just my opinion…. They’re also ableist asf bc what do u mean I get like 35 minutes for each section? What happens if I stare at a question for too long? Exactly… can’t even revv up my brain like an engine bc u too busy tryna get me to answer all 25 of these questions with 10 minutes left over? Like… oh okay… anyways. I’m glad a lot of Grad schools got rid of the GRE bc I know a lot of people would NOT be getting that master’s degree… just saying 😭😭😭 

I remember back in college, there would be seniors in my groups that talked about how scared they were to take the GRE… like pls… back when that test would put the FEAR OF GOD IN U!!! Back when that test was making or BREAKING that master’s program entry… I’m crying laughing 😭😭😭😭

My psych grad teachers would be like, “Be lucky you didn't have to take the GRE.” Bc the pandemic? Oh baby... Def made things easier. Let’s reminisce, shall we? 

I remember it was my spring semester, I was 20, and I was taking a ceramics and Political Thought Class… I had taken other classes that same semester, and those were pretty easy to me because they pertained to my American ethnic studies minor and a geology class. (my god, that class... I remember I came to that class early once, and walked into the lecture hall and saw people sitting in there, and I'm like, "great, they're waiting too." And it was a whole other class. I sat through the rest of that 15 minutes with them ppl, and then decided I was not going to stay for my ACTUAL class and went home instead LMFAOOOO) 

I hated Political Thought because we over here reading fuck ass Gorgias... I'm like "oh no baby.." mind u, small ass books, n my nerdy self always wanted a hard copy of the book to keep... I did not open that book once... Test time came around, and I'm over here looking at everyone while a singular tear rolls down my cheek because girl... why would u do this to me...? 

Anyways, that was the only semester we had pass or fail bc that next semester, they said "WE TAKING THAT SHIT OFF!" and the way I yelled and fell on the floor bc that semester was Political Inquiry, and I ain't even buy the book for that class until October LMFAOKASDL;KASDASKD. Blind reacting to every test that man made us do on Canvas LMFAOAOOOAOAOAAOSOADODOFOF 

I'm fr busting out laughing this shit is so funny to me. But back to my ceramics class that spring semester of 2020, so the original project we had to do when we came back from spring break (which lol) was to throw some bowls on the wheel. I remember this so well because I was so bad at throwing them bowls that I would get so upset because not one could come out right. I would go to that studio at night, and just practice throwing, and at that time, I was living in the on-campus apartments... 

So I would WALK or take the bus, and the bus stopped at around like 10pm. And I would be up in that studio making straight bullshit until midnight. So I was dreading going back to campus after spring break bc I did not wanna make that shit. But they basically said, "Nope, do a sculpture using something around where you live as the final project." I was relieved back then, but looking back at it, my project was straight bullshit, I would have rather submitted the horrible bowls I had! Or they blew up in the kiln! 

Just rocks around my apartment, and flowers I found in the bushes... LMFAOOOOO It looked so bad, I'm crying. I still have the picture, and I truly am about to delete that because ain't no way I got a pass on that... LMFAOOAOA. That was such a funny semester. I still have most of my ceramics art (perhaps I'll post them...), but I gave a lot of them to my old friends back then because I wanted them to have em.... wow... 

It's funny how ur nervous system can trigger these moments for you. It's funny because it's like... although that happened, that doesn't mean I should give up now because it's hard. After all, I didn't give up back then, even though I could have and taken an L. I actually threw a couple of decent bowls before spring break. I kept them with me for the longest time because they were never fired in the kiln, and it was a reminder of what I could do for myself when I put in more effort. 

So, bottom line to myself and to anyone else out there, although it's hard at first, keep going. It might frustrate you that it's not perfect at first, but perfect doesn't exist. But don't think a global pandemonium will save you like it did with me n my horrible ceramic bowls. Just keep working at it. Lowkey, I'm kinda mad I gave up my hobby of rollerskating bc I was scared to fall on my ass n get a concussion...LMFAOOO. I should try that again, but this time, maybe invest in a helmet... 

Anyways... 

;)